Sound the Aloud alarm! Unless you’re a Jake Bugg fan lying under your Grandad’s skiffle records waiting for the popocalypse to end, you will have heard the thrilling news that Girls Aloud have reformed. The greatest hits album and tie in tour for 10 was supposed to be launched at a web-streamed press conference last Friday but nothing serious was really discussed in all the excitement over Cheryl’s sexy lady-Wookie hairdo and the arrangement that kept Nadine and her at the opposite ends of the table. We also learned that Sarah has never heard Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Stronger’, Nicola feared that they would never be able to walk in time all together again, Nadine loves people ‘pulling at her’ and Cheryl couldn’t remember if she was wearing any pants. Kimberly remained in the middle, ever sensible, a normal welcome back from the Aloud then. In between this code-red level of mayhem the video for ‘Something New’ was debuted, in its entire roughed up ‘Sexy! No-No’ style glory. Celebrate the second coming of the Girls at the 02 on March 16th.
Tulisa – ‘Sight Of You’
Tulisa is back with another video that really makes you wonder about the yoof and their blossoming relationships. Gone are the videos of girls standing in an empty room looking a bit distressed and having a hearty bellow. Ever since Rihanna’s ‘We Found Love’ pop videos about heartache have all gone a bit Ken Loach does Mills & Boon, with lots of wandering round tower blocks, smashing up pictures, setting fire to things and worryingly lots of casual depictions of domestic violence. Oh well at least she’s wearing a lovely shade of lipstick… Featuring Lip from Shameless doing some of the best ‘ugly cry’ acting of his career, it’ll ensure enough Facebook ‘likes’ to smooth over the fact that the song is about as hard-hitting and insightful as a trip to the flog factory.
Madonna Does Things
She’s been busy, making Ellen wear her JPG cage brassiere complete with the infamous cones (Crystal Swing never tried that) dunking her mini Guy Ritchie son Rocco in some water (Freudian), being summoned to court in Russia,falling off stage in Dallas, oh and celebrating 20 years of the ground-breaking psycho-sexual, pop-art masterpiece Erotica and its kinky accompaniment Sex, you know, the usual…
Little Mix Album Preview
Disappointingly after the true pop-froth and promising ingenuity of ‘Wings’ this sampler sounds decidedly ploddy, like cuts from a defunct Eternal comeback. Big boring ‘I-TOLD-YOU-I-COULD-SING’ vocals seem to have outweighed all the fun. For every sugary skittering electro bleeps there’s some ‘serious’ piano medicine to follow and most distressingly of all is in the inclusion of a misguided sample of De La Soul’s ‘Ring Ring Ring’…
This Bank Holiday Monday shall be re-named Maelday with the return to these shores of the hydra-headed pop monster that is Sparks. The ‘Two Hands, One Mouth’ tour is the first time the brothers Mael have performed as a duo. Expect wondrous mini-operas, glam zingers, odes to Albert Einstein and Ron’s face looming in your nightmares for weeks to come. Sparks play the Button Factory Monday October 29th.