Disclosure ft AlunaGeorge – White Noise
January you absolute bastard. It’s the never ending month where spindly heels are covered in dust, dance floors have frozen over and everyone is either smugly promoting their booze-free four weeks or else helplessly glugging gin in an attempt to make Downton Abbey and the rest of their lives look bearable. So starved are folks of something glittery and jazzy to get excited about, that last week people actually pretended to like that new Justin Timberlake fart of a song (not forgetting that Destiny’s Child bum drizzle) Thankfully all is not lost, salvation has come in the form of this ridiculous banger from scribble-faced, keyboard- worrying duo Disclosure and shiny new darlings of every hope-of-2013 list, AlunaGeorge (pictured). Sounding a bit like someone’s left a Dalek in the microwave too long, with the sweetest girlish vocals floating over the ping-ponging robo-death, it’s the kind of retro-futuristic warfare that should be soundtracking all our dancing dreams from now on. Has January delivered the song of the year ALREADY? Only your feet have the answer.
Kelly Rowland – ‘Kisses Down Low’
Speaking of all things disappointing and Destiny’s Child, Kelly Rowland has a new single out! Misha B REJOICE! It’s an ever-so-subtle tribute to some intimate lady bedroom business (not Vajazzling) that makes what should be a steamy, thrilling romp sound like a night of being relentlessly brushed with a cheese grater. It’s a sexual SatNav bursting full of Vocoder, clanging clichés and even disturbing instructions, such as ‘a little more to the left’. Shudder. It makes you pine for those innocent days when she only got as far as calling Nelly her ‘boo’.
It would seem that spirit-crushing Destiny’s Child related news is the theme of January when it was revealed that the woman with lungs so strong they possibly power her ever-present wind machine, decided to mime. This was not miming because a pretzel-like contortion dance routine was involved or because she was too drunk to remember the words, this was miming because Queen Bey was possibly having a nervo. We should have noticed this critical mindset recently, when full of obvious damning self doubt she stated “I’m more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand”. So powerful that the prospect of doing her job became all too much. Somewhere in a Wendy’s car-park Mariah Carey is laughing very loudly into her head-sized milkshake.
Charli XCX – You (Ha Ha Ha)
Oh great, another video of some lovely nubile young lady bouncing around with some AK-47 boob-attachments, it’s just what the world of pop needs. Even if these are more like Homer’s make-up guns it doesn’t make it any less yawnsome, may this image be shelved along with that post-ironic screen-saver schtick. It’s a shame really, because Charli’s Gold Panda pilfering pop ride is the kind of slickly and savvy operation that could knock Marina’s wig clean off her head.
Nicole Scherzinger – Boomerang
Nicole is not content with just trying to convince everyone she has a personality (which she seems to have borrowed from a tipsy Cosby child) she wants people to listen to her music too. Which is unfair really, you can’t have it both ways Nicole, just ask Tulisa. So now because X Factor has finished up and we’re not getting our weekly fix of the Scherzinger and her ‘hilarious’ quips ,she has decided to clone herself a terrifying amount of times in this clip of her new video ‘Boomerang’; where she also threatens to keep on coming back…like a BOOMERANG. There is no escape.