Little-known director Allan Stewart Konigsberg was seen trying to further his career last Tuesday in the lobby of The Four Seasons Hotel in New York City. The Jewish movie director who has overseen flops such as 1977’s Annie Hall and 1979’s Manhattan was spotted reading issue 05 of State Magazine in an effort to “gain credibility points with my wife”, he admitted.
Allan (nicknamed Woody) could he heard telling disturbed passersbys that he “always loved the caustic nature of Tricky’s Maxinquaye” and that he was delighted to see “that nubile” Michelle Doherty get a presenting role at Dublin indie-radio station, Phantom 105.2 while thinking aloud that “she would be perfect for my new movie”. Allan, then proceeded to harrass people nearby for “some loose change” while regaling a visibly upset young lady about his plans to write “an idiosyncratic sexual drama” with “Efterklang as the sensual soundtrack”.
Another Z-List celebrity, struggling comedian and actor Thomas Jack Black could be seen publicly and desperately endorsing State Magazine in a nearby unnamed hotel hallway. According to a bellboy at the hotel, Keenan Thompson (27), who took the accompanying photograph as proof of Black’s undeniablly kerr-azy disposition, he could be seen attempting karate chops and drop kicks on imaginary movie producers while wildly brandishing his copy of State.
“He was buggin’ out,” explained Thompson. “Eyes poppin’ out of his head. He was so delusional he kept shouting ‘Kurt Russell, Kurt Russell’ repeatedly. In the end, we had to call security”. A further altercation with security was only settled when a patient employee of the hotel calmly explained to Black that there was nothing he could do to save the film Be Kind Rewind as it was “just an ill-thoughtout, poorly-scripted Michel Gondry film”.
Black who had been slouched against the distinctive cream patterned wallpaper of the hotel hallway agreed to leave the premises but not without loudly proclaiming that “Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer are the same person goddammit! Am I the only one that sees that?”.
Hotel management refused to comment on the fracas, while Black’s agent claims that he was brought under unlawful duress and that Be Kind Rewind was actually “awesome dude”.