by / February 28th, 2011 /

Top Story: The Oscars 2011: A blow-by-blow account

Speech! Book! Grit! Hours! Toy! Bone! Swan! Fight! Kids! Ehhh, Inception.

Hello from Hollywood. Ok, it’s actually Capel Street, Dublin 7, but Sky Movies is on and i’ve got a pipe of Pringles. There are tanned people so very better looking than I standing around getting microphones stuffed in their faces, plenty of tuxedos rented from Black Tie in Fairview and probably enough cocaine to ignite the earths atmosphere. Or at least satisfy Charlie Sheen for an afternoon.

I’m here to tell you all about the 83rd Academy Awards. Oh-so-humble winners, big stupid losers, maudlin musical numbers and that bit where they show everyone who is dead. Expect my spelling to get progressively worse and my mood to become increasingly grumpy (and maybe a little racist) as the cermony goes on for the scheduled MILLION hours.

Ok, I’ll start!

1:31am – Franco and Hathaway are doing an ‘Inception’ and travelling around Alec Baldwin’s mind. Which happens to be all the Best Picture nominees. It’s funny. And Morgan Freeman is there. If Franco and Hathaway aren’t in love, they should be.

1.35am – James Franco’s arm has grown back. Good for him!

1.40am – Anne Hathaways mother and James Franco’s grandma are now entertaining the crowd. Lucky they wore microphones, huh?

1.41am – Why is Justin Timberlake there?

1.42am – Oh yeah. He’s in that Bebo movie.

1.44am – The fun is OVER. Tom Hanks is bleating on about Titanic and there’s sad music playing. That didn’t take long.

1.45amWINNER! Alice in Wonderland for Art Direction. I’m not going to pretend i care about this. Next.

1.48am – WINNER! Wally Pfister for the Cinematography in Inception. Richly deserved. Wally was shooting soft-core porn before he shot Memento with Christopher Nolan and has never worked with any other director since. He and Nolan’s visual collaborations have been consistently incredible. And yes, his name is pronounced ‘Fister’. Ha.

1.52am – Wow. Kirk Douglas (or bits of him) just walked on-stage! Amazing. I saw a dead body last year and it looked more alive than this guy. Still though, respect is due. Best Suporting Actress coming up…

1.57am – WINNER! Melissa Leo for The Fighter. Well deserved award but poor little Hailee Steinfeld did look disappointed. It’s ok dear, your time will come. Can i call you on your 18th birthday? No? Fine. Didn’t want to anyway.

1.58am – Melissa just said ‘Fuck’. America will LOVE that.

2.01am – Justin Timberlake just admitted he’s Banksy. I knew it was a member of N-Sync, but i always thought it was Joey Fatone.

2.03amWINNER! The Short Thing wins Best Animated Short. The winners are a tall man and what appears to be his creepy ventriloquist dummy.

2.06amWINNER! Toy Story 3 wins Best Animated Film. The least surprising win of the night. To all you virgins out there, if these guys can do it, anyone can. Your dreams can come true!

2.13am – Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem rocking the white tuxedos. I hope they’re not having spaghetti bolognese for dinner.

2.14amWINNER! Aaron Sorkin, Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. The West Wing man looks confident as hell and well he should be, The Social Network is the only one out of the ten movies that I’d listen to on CD.

2.17amWINNER! David Seidler, Best Original Screenplay for The King’s Speech. David is OLD. He doesn’t seem to know where the microphone is either. Still, he might get a sweet deal advertising Werther’s Originals now.

2.23am – Musical number from Anne Hathaway about what a bastard Hugh Jackman is. Hugh seems to be loving it.

2.25am – James Franco in drag. I would.

2.27am WINNER! In A Better World wins Best Foreign Language Film. The third Danish film to win the award.

2.30am – Here we go, Best Supporting Actor. If Christian Bale doesn’t win this one, i’ll eat…well, you don’t want to know what i’ll eat, but it would be vile.

2.31amWINNER! Christian Bale for The Fighter. I’d like to think i helped with that, in some small way. ‘I’m not gonna drop the F-Bomb like Melissa’. Ah go on Christian, you used to be a headcase. The real life Dicky Eklund is taking a bow too. Who said crack cocaine doesn’t lead to success? Not me.

2.34am – Bale nearly cried. Nearly.

2.39am – Something so boring just happened I can’t even type it.

2.44am – WINNER! Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Best Original Score for The Social Network. As stunning (and better) as Hans Zimmer’s Inception score is, you can’t begrudge this pair. Youtube ‘Hand Covers Bruise‘ for all the spine-tingling proof you need.

2.46am – Matthew McConnaghy looks like he only bothered to have a ‘Glaswegian Shower’ (no water involved, just a quick spray of deodorant over already existing body odour). I wonder if he’s got a drum circle planned for him and his crusty buds later.

2.47amWINNER! Inception for Best Sound Mixing. It sounded as good as it looked. And it looked completely stunning.

2.49amWINNER! Inception for Best Sound Effects Editing. Both well deserved. If you missed it during its theatrical run, then you haven’t really experienced it. And I probably hate you.

2.54am – Heartbreaking lack of cleavage tonight.

2.55am – Marisa Tomei still looks 25. I want whatever she’s having. Which is, by the looks if it, a goblet of unicorn tears once a day.

2.58amWINNER! The Wolfman for Best Make-Up. Unusual choice, considering Jennifer Aniston looked almost human in all her 2010 films.

3.00am WINNER! Alice In Wonderland for Best Costume Design. According to manufacturer Spalding, the average lifespan of an NBA basketball is 10,000 bounces.

3.01am – If you know Paul Metzer’s campaign address from the film Election, it may give you an idea of the tone of the last acceptance speech.

3.03am – Kevin Spacey likes musical theatre. No surprises there.

3.04am – Oh jeez, I think I recognise that voice. Yes. It is. It’s Randy fucking Newman. In the interest of full disclosure, i should tell you i’m taking LSD now.

3.06am – Mandy Moore exists. I’d forgotten this. I mean, I didn’t think she was dead or anything. I just thought she didn’t exist.

3.10am – Russell Brand has brought his mother. I like that guy, even if he now has World Wrestling Federation hair.

3.12am – Can’t stop thinking about Franco in drag.

3.13amWINNER! Strangers No More wins Best Short Documentary.

3.15amWINNER! Some film wins Best Live Action Short Film and it wasn’t the Irish one, The Crush. Lame. Was all ready to give it the ‘COME! ON! YOU! BOYS IN GREEN COME ON YOU BOYS IN GREEN!!!!’ treatment. Probably a bit late for that anyway.

3.17am – The ‘Auto-tune the news’ guys have been busy melodising clips from this year’s movies. Can’t seem to spot Antoine Dodson in the audience though. Hide your kids. Hide your wife.

3.22amWINNER! Inside Job wins Best Documentary. I haven’t seen it. But I promise to watch it tomorrow. Is that ok?

3.27am – 1990s alert! Billy Crystal in the house, telling stories of being given the finger by Bob Hope.

3.31am – Robert Downey Jnr. and Jude Law having some fun about all the drugs and prositutes Downey Jnr. used to feast on.

3.33amWINNER! Inception for Best Visual Effects. That’s more like it. Special effects of the best kind: the ones you don’t really notice. Well, apart from that huge folding skyline bit. That may have been a special effect.

3.35amWINNER! The Social Network for Best Film Editing. There’s ‘Hand Covers Bruise’ again. Maybe eveything IS going to be ok…

3.42am – Florence Welch is performing.

3.43am – Gwyneth Paltrow is ‘performing’.

3.45amWINNER! The instigator of this horrific acid-trip I’m now experiencing, Randy Newman. Best Original Song for Toy Story 3. He spoke for quite some time but failed to make any sense.

3.52am – Celine Dion (gross) singing us through the aforementioned ‘these people are dead’ bit. They’ve already added Kirk Douglas to it. Not cool, guys.

3.53am – Pete Postlewaite was awesome.

3.55am – Leading a tribute to Lena Horne, it’s Hollywood’s favourite small Puerto Rican boy, Halle Berry.

3.58am – Best Director coming up. Still not too happy about Christopher Nolan’s omission, but i’m gonna go for Aronofsky (Black Swan) or Fincher (The Social Network).

4.00am – It’s 4am.

4.01am – They have presenters for the presenters now. I may be tired and off my biscuit on Class-A chemicals, but that’s just dumb.

4.04amWINNER! Tom Hooper, Best Director for The King’s Speech. Wow. That is a surprise. Tom Hooper is the best director of the year. The Academy loves English things even more than first thought. Christopher Nolan, you are MY best director of the year. I hope that makes you feel a bit better.

4.10am – Franco really looks like he really doesn’t give a crap. Nice.

4.12am – To look at her, you wouldn’t know that Natalie Portman has been texting me all night.

4.16am WINNER! Best Actress, Natalie Portman for Black Swan. Despite her texting shame, it’s a completely deserved win for Porters. On-screen for almost all of Black Swan’s nightmarish plunge into madness, she’s outstanding. No cute Golden Gobe laugh this time though. No tears either.

4.18am – Oh, there they are.

4.23am – Bullock up now, presenting Best Actor. Franco appears to be blazing up a doobie backstage.

4.24amWINNER! Colin Firth for The King’s Speech. I can’t help it, he bores me. Seeing a clip of James Franco as Aron Ralston served only to remind me that this award should be his.

4.28am – Nearly there. Apart from Melissa Leo’s F-Bomb and Franco’s almost contemptuos demeanor, I’ve seen sliced pans that were more exciting. Probably The King’s Speech for the win now.

4.31am – Jurassic Park music! SWOON. Speilberg presenting Best Picture.

4.35amThe King’s Speech wins Best Picture. Not suprising at this stage. The titular speech was played over a montage of all ten nominees moments beforehand. That kind of gave the game away.

4.38am – Wow. PS-22 (that kid choir from the internet) are singing us off with ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’, joined by all tonights winners. Nice touch.

4.40am – GOODNIGHT.

5.12am – James Franco in drag.