Directors: The Farrelly Brothers
Cast: Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos, Larry David, Sofía Vergara
Running Time: 92 minutes
Release Date: August 22nd
You know that old adage; never meet your heroes. Well, if the Farrelly Brothers’ latest outing is anything to go by, you should never make movies about them either. Classless, asinine and void of any redeeming qualities, The Three Stooges continues their ugly descent down the nine circles of comedy hell—Wayans Brothers dress-up comedies now clearly in their sights.
One of the primary failures in adopting The Three Stooges—a huge influence on the Airplane! series, The Simpsons, Seth McFarlane—is that they already have. It was called Dumb & Dumber. They may have been one member short but Harry and Lloyd were spiritual heirs to Larry, Curly and Moe’s thick-headed throne, from their harebrained schemes to bowl haircuts. In keeping with tradition, The Farrellys aimed to craft a movie true to the Stooge legacy, and ended up with a kids’ film that could only be enjoyed by tykes subjected to as much blunt force trauma as its titular characters.
More nauseating a blow than watching this gross and abhorrent piece of film is knowing that once upon a time, it was actually an interesting project with Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn and Jim Carrey (plus sixty pounds) set to star. So, not only was the world denied a rare Del Toro comedic turn and a rotund Carrey paired with old friends, we missed out on seeing Penn being bludgeoned with a variety of blunt instruments ad nauseam. In their places step Will Sasso (Curly), Sean Hayes (Larry) and Chris Diamatopoulos (Moe), wrangled from the obscurities of easily forgotten network comedies with only Sasso escaping with a modicum of dignity.
Tradition dictates the premise be discussed somewhat but, thankfully, a Black And Decker self-lobotomy has seen most of it gone. There are faint remnants of an orphanage, social assassin Larry David attempting career suicide while dressed as a nun, exploding farts gags, the cast of Jersey Shore and the creepiest post-credit scene for a kids’ movie, nay, any movie ever.
Chance finds the Stooges in a hospital somewhere around the midway point. After bumbling into a nursery ward and admiring all the newborns, an infant starts uncontrollably pissing on Mo, causing a fit of knee slapping among Larry and Curly. Mo, not one to be mocked, then uses the newborn as a rudimentary water — well, piss — gun against his brothers which leads to an all-out whiz soaking bobbery. This is essentially what watching The Three Stooges feels likes; being doused in steaming hot urine. For 92 minutes.