by / July 5th, 2010 /

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Review by on July 5th, 2010

 2/5 Rating

I’m a Twirgin. A Twoob. A Twovice. In fact, the closest I’ve come to orbiting planet Twilight was having a friend by the name of Edward Cullen. So, was I to have all my cynical ‘it’s marketing, not movies’ programming re-wired with a smart and compelling allegory on abstinence complete with super bad-ass werewolves and vampires? Or were my fears of Smallville-like teen dramatics and Native American abs correct all along? As any England football supporter will tell you, it was foolish to hope…

In rainy, grainy Seattle, an army of stylish newborn Vampires in winter coats is being assembled by ginger vamp Victoria (Bryce Dallas-Howard) for the sole purpose of taking from pasty but Derek-Zoolander-good-looking Edward (Robert Pattinson) his immortal beloved – the soon to be Vampire convert, Bella (Kristin Stewart). That’s not all that the Cullenator has to contend with though, there’s also the matter of werewolf wetbag Jacob and his breathtakingly white teeth. Jacob has it just as bad for Bella – even when he’s a 5-foot tall furry beast – and he’s not keeping it a secret.

Hard Candy director David Slade grasps the directing reigns from New Moon‘s Chris Weitz and delivers what is, apparently, the most grown up and low-key of all Twilight adventures. ‘Low-key’ is a term that could certainly be applied to any scene involving Bella and either of her beyond-bland suitors, but ‘boring’ seems more apt. In fact, a pattern soon develops with two or three emo-scenes followed by moody, high-contrast Seattle shenanigans involving extras from an Evanescence video, and then two or three emo-scenes followed by moody, high-contrast Seattle shenanigans involving extras from an Evanescence video. This is possibly systemic of all previous Twadventures, but in a stand-alone capacity Eclipse is a staggering fail in story structure terms. Aware as we might be that the undead are coming for our always confused looking heroine, it’s still going to be another hour of ultimately pointless guff until they get here. And just in case the abstinence metaphor wasn’t hitting the target in the previous two efforts, it’s soundly rammed home with a ‘NO, I WANT TO WAIT UNTIL WE ARE MARRIED’ belter. Girls, do you get it now?

Amongst all the TV-standard CGI, completely bloodless rumbles and near pornographic lingering on Pattinson’s flawless mug, there are slivers of acceptabilty. Dallas-Howard & Dakota Fanning are underused but manage to ignite sparks when on-screen, and Billy Burke as Bella’s father provides some of the film’s only (intentional) humour with his paternal angst. The unintentional laughs, however, are truly a thing to be savoured. Misty shots of the surly Cullen clan gathered in woodland end up looking like billboard adverts for The North Face outdoor wear, Taylor Lautner as Jacob is simply too smooth and ridiculous to been taken seriously by anyone who doesn’t own a Justin Bieber CD, the Newborns are more like bad-tempered drunks than terrifyingly insatiable monsters, and the less said about the low-rent snowy soundstage that stages the final ruckus the better.

Then there’s R-Patz. ‘The World’s Most Totally Hottest Dude’ â„¢ he may be but following on from his bed-wetter of a showing earlier this year in Remember Me, there’s still no real evidence that the boy can act. He can smoulder, he can smirk, he can appear to be on the verge of tears practically all the time, but he’s a long way from portraying a character in anything other than one dimension. State’s original casting choice of Vinnie Jones as Edward Cullen may yet see us vindicated if Patt The (Heart)Breaker disappears after the two-part finale Breaking Dawn…

  • Then there’s R-Patz. ‘The World’s Most Totally Hottest Dude’ â„¢ he may be but following on from his bed-wetter of a showing earlier this year in Remember Me, there’s still no real evidence that the boy can act. He can smoulder, he can smirk, he can appear to be on the verge of tears practically all the time, but he’s a long way from portraying a character in anything other than one dimension.
    christianlouboutin

    vibramfivefingers

  • I loved this film! I can’t wait to see the next two. I haven’t read the books yet, I don’t want to judge the film on the books now since I have seen the 3 films. I’m going to wait until I see all of them and then read the books and compare.

  • Hil

    A fundamental flaw lies at the heart of the Twilight saga. If Edward is technically dead, has no pulse or circulation, how will ‘little Ed’ be able to give Bella her long-awaited servicing?

    It’s been a quiet day…

  • Hi Hil I agree with you, If it was for me I would have feed Bella to the wolves or the vampires. Edward is just a physco obsessed with Bella, What? Was Bella the only girl in Seattle?