I’m not typically one to presume how a person might die, but if I had to guess, I’d say Flo Rida’s demise will be met by accidental electricution. I’ve seen many musicians throw water on themselves and into the crowd or hose them down with Super Soakers. I saw Robotnik do it just last week at the Purty Loft! However the amount of water used during this gig was on a whole other level; almost comical like everything else I seen that evening.
Backtrack to two hours before when I arrived at the venue. The warm up DJ from FM104 was already playing some tunes. Fair enough. But he and “Team Hype,” the guys who are hired to pump up the crowd by shouting “Yeah,” “Shake it ladies,” and “Flo Rida in da house!” over and over were on stage for nearly an hour whilst various Vicar Street employees kept running on stage to tell them to keep going, presumably because Flo wasn’t done eating his kebab, drinking his wildly expensive champagne, or doing whatever famous rappers do before a show.
At one point they brought out a “Special Guest,” who obviously wasn’t too special since they forgot the poor girl’s name. “Everyone give it up for Selena!” One of the sound engineers whispered something in their ears and they quickly corrected themselves. “I mean, give it up for Shirley.” Thirty seconds later, Shirley saunters onstage clad in what looked like Penny’s finest crop-top, cotton hoodie and thigh-high plastic boots. As a music photographer I couldn’t bring myself to take pictures since this wasn’t music. She lip-synced to an overly digitised and rather forgetable dance track…except when she forgot to or ran out of breath from all the dancing.
Team Hype came back out for another half hour or so. This was obviously testing the patience of the audience. A crowd can only keep their hands in the air for so long before the blood rushes out of their arms and the sensation known as “pins and needles” starts to occur. Only when signs of the crowd’s fatigue began to show, did they bring out Flo Rida’s DJ, and fifteen minutes later, Flo himself, arrived onstage. It was hard to say whether his set was a parody or to be taken seriously. All the typical rap gimmicks were spoken for: massive gold chain, bodyguards armed with Super Soakers, ego the size of Texas, and every song dedicated to the ladies as not to cause anyone to doubt his raging heterosexuality. He continued taking off more and more clothes and drenching himself with bottles of water “for all the ladies” in between songs. About twenty girls from the crowd were brought up to dance to his most notable hit to date “Low”. It became so over the top at one stage with a song “For all the ladies” called “I Want To Be On You,” that I began to wonder just how closeted our dear, sweet Flo Rida really is. After rapping over his remix of Eiffel 65’s “I’m Blue,” my suspicions were confirmed. And with the Dublin Pride Festival on at the moment, I think now is a more appropriate time than ever for us to call out our friend, Flo, and show him that there’s nothing to be afraid of. We’ll still dance to your cheesy, throw-away rap hits and download your albums. We just want you to be yourself. Dublin loves you, Flo Rida!