by / May 20th, 2011 /

Weekly Film News: The Rapture Apocalypse edition

Review by on May 20th, 2011

The world is going to end tomorrow and this may well be the last thing you ever read. So will frantically reading this stream of international film news help you arm yourself against the unknown? Probably not, but thanks to Hollywood’s repeated onslaught of epic end-of-world disaster films (is there anything more epic than the end of the world?), we may already be harvesting a store of useful information that just might come in handy.

Top Tips for tomorrow’s Rapture

– If your planning on sending someone up into space to tackle that ever-so-near meteor head-on don’t send an astronaut or military person. Rookie mistake right there. Your local mechanic should do just fine. Preferably the one with something to prove.

– Starting to freeze to death after your massive generator has died? No worries, just get naked next to that person you’ve always fancied. There’s a lot to be said for body heat.

– Always keep a baseball bat handy. You never know when an alien might drop by.

– Ditch that automobile. Motorbikes are the only way to travel.

– Best to get a head-start on that Tsunami and start making your way to the top of a hill asap.

– Try to remember, the more scared or selfish you act, the quicker you die…

– If you have any issues with your estranged father, don’t worry, it’s all going to be sorted!

– Probably just before he dies though. Aww.

– Keep an eye out for the babbling scientist who has always been an embarrassment, they just might be on to something.

– Unfortunately by the time they figure it all out, everyone in Europe will be dead. Sorry ‘bout that.

Banned from Cannes

Not one for media training, Lars von Trier’s comments at a Cannes press conference have gotten him thrown out of the film festival, though his film will still be screened.

The Cannes enemy number one -or his official title ‘Personna Non Grata’- said in an interview before the conference that he was worried he had made a film that was “far too nice”. Hmm, so what’s the opposite of too nice? Oh y’know Hitler and, like, Nazis and stuff.

“What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end.” Said Lars, while Kirsten Dunst squirmed in her seat beside him.

Of course Lars knows these weren’t the most PC comments so added “He’s (Hitler) not what you would call a good guy”. Probably not, no.

He later issued an apology explaining,”This whole Nazi thing, I don’t know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this (expletive), you know?”.

Perhaps he suffers from a sort of Basil Fawlty-esk form of Nazi tourettes?

It’s those guys again!

MArky mark

Mark Walhberg and Will Ferrell are to team up again for the Warner Brothers film Turkey Bowl. The two actors appeared in the comedy The Other Guys recently. Will Ferrell can do no wrong, especially after his Beastie Boys foray but it’s Marky-Mark that can be hit or miss. He seems to operate a one-on-one-off kind of strategy with his talent. Pulling some stellar characters out of the bag in films like Boogie Nights, I Heart Huckabees and The Departed but then disappoints by appearing to have forget everything he’s learnt offering up his best impression of a sack of potatoes in films like Planet of the Apes and that ‘one about the wind’. (Spoiler

Hopefully this next one wont be a total turkey (sorry), with 30 Rock executive producer Robert Carlock and Friends writer Scott Silveri on the writing credits it’s got as good a chance as any.

Sexy, cool people

Michelle Williams and James Franco. Talent, beauty and mystery personified? Don’t you love them both? Couldn’t you just eat, like ten thousand of their babies?

These two actors are now on board for Sam Rami’s new film Oz: The Great and Wonderful. Michelle presumably wanting to have a bit more fun after traipsing around in the desert in the slow-paced Meek’s Cutoff has signed on to play the good witch.

If it aint broke…

So film-maker Scott Man is set to remake the Japanese classic Seven Samurai. Why the trend to remake films that were perfectly good in the first place? If you really must remake a film, doesn’t it make more sense to remake a really shit one, but do it better? Less margin for error.

Some films ought to have been good. They have great actors on board, but still mess up. Like buying a Ferrari just to drive to the shops, it’s a wasted opportunity. These are the films you are supposed to mess with. This needs to be explored. Answers on the back of a postcard please.


Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn


The Great White Silence